Posted by: Eve-Marie | March 6, 2013

Five Types of Writer on Twitter

Disclaimer: Yes, yes, we are all hand-holding brothers and sisters in this big, bad world. Words, Writing and The Craft demand respect, all seriousness and everybody supporting everybody else with tree-hugging glee funny how it never really works out that way.

The below is frustration venting mere parody, to be read with tongue-in-cheek or, you know, a sense of humour. This is my direct, personal, intimate experience with ‘Writers’ on Twitter. Caterwauling dissenters will be mocked.

I am a writer on Twitter. I mostly identify with Number Five 😉

1. The Spammer
“Have you heard about my writing class? I’m running a writing class, have you heard about it? You should really come to my writing class, here are the dates, places and times. Will you come? I’ll post this every hour until the class fills. Then I’ll tweet how the class is full. Then I’ll tweet about my upcoming class after that. Would you like to join the waiting list?”

2. The Guru
Retweets nothing but self- and e- publishing articles. Spams his ebooks on the hour and talks as if his characters were real. Idealises himself as grizzled and caffene-fuelled. Secretly covets a Pulitzer. Tweets big-name authors who never respond.

3. The Conference Caller
“Hey, Other Writer? Shall we do this Writerly Thing? Except, instead of phoning or emailing like plebs normal people, let’s hash out the details on Twitter so everybody knows how Writerly and Important and Exclusionary we are, ho ho! Has everybody understood our Writerly status yet?”

4. The Smarmy Bitch
Waxes balefully about The Craft. Mostly humble-brags about writing in her PJs whilst the kids are at school. Secretly wishes she wrote 50 Shades. Wails about writer’s block and yet somehow manages to write a fuck-ton. BFF of The Spammer and The Conference Caller – an unholy trinity.

5. The Village Idiot
Mostly cat photos. Occasional discussion about cake. Stalks hotels and local businesses for discounts and freebies, crowbar-ing in Words and Writing whenever they remember. Regularly counts down the hours to lunch. Asks when is it too early to eat a cupcake. Posts revelations on how it’s never too early for cupcakes.



  1. Another #5 here! Only perhaps other than cupcakes, it’d be pie. I need to make more pie. My writerly tweets are weird and often about cooking. >_>

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